I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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