Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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