I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
