i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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