My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
