I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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