clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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