yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
