I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
