I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
