My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
