Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
