He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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