but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
