I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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