I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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