just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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