Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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