I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
