if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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