I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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