Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She bit a glass in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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