i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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