Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
please come you make the beer taste better
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
