Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
