I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
