And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
