I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
