Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
