I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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