My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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