did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Watching her eat just hurts me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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