So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
