I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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