Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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