I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
