Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
