Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
