I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
