proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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