All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
