Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
