i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
