the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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