im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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