I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
