Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
