can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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