I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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