apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
