Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
