someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Houston, we have a blender
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
