My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
