im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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